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self, other

by Trev

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1.
Husband 02:21
A flashing green a twisted mast, a shadowed beam like frame in cast Oh Son of Man how do your keys jangle? Unlocking the prisons of feebled and fangled Tangled on angled webs of small words and big thoughts, I felt you close in front room forts.

Impassable! Impossible! My soul wrapped in dust, trapped in Trust, I swore these hinges won’t rust. 
Oh tangible! Unfathomable! Like break-neck car-crash, drunk night rally rave,
And I first saw you in King Dave.
Like confounding a memory, a feeling a sense, these words cannot save me, but pen recompense. 
Oh blackness O Fear, O wondrous delight, As Bright as the sun and as dark as the night. 

Oh manger, O cross, O tomb without stone, God: Father, Son, Spirit, makes naked, makes home. We’re all old, we’re all young, before our time and done. Broken-backed pavement wanders, with office jobs and nice shoes,
All wishing we had more to lose.
Arrival less like a freight train and more like a growing pain, pushing my neck and squeezing my bones, 
I’m sick (& tired?) of making cardboard thrones. 
Like tides or plants or friend’s with kids. familiar, inconvenient, distraction and bliss. 
It’s expansive and I’m smaller, God is bigger and I’m only taller. 
But I’m found clear by the ring on my hand, if you’re lost than I’m lost, if we’re sea He’s land. 
We’ll be wandering on shorelines but we’ll still have the sand. 
We’ll be knocked down and wearied, but both grab Him to stand.
2.
The devil is in my skin Counting up my sins and coming in The devil is in my skin And through the darkness I can see him grin. It comes and goes It comes and goes It comes and goes But the devil is in my skin Anger is in my heart Hardening and tearing it in half. Anger is in my heart And I need a shock to help it to restart Because it comes and goes It comes and goes It comes and goes But the devil is in my skin I’ve thought of all the words I could stitch together and I still come up short, But don’t let these lies let you get caught. I can’t summon the energy of the will or the want. I give up. I’m done, I’m through. And this wearied confession just throws me on you. Because at that same point I’m free, not from you or them or him or her but from me. Can’t you see o can’t you see? You can hear him in whispers and feel him in dreams, I saw him in paintings and found him in screams. My last absolution - my flight for the stars, found not in my crowns but in blood stained scars In the uncle who told me to fake being sick When I’m pushed again walls and I haven’t stopped since. I’m a coward, I’m an adulterer I’m a solider and a son. I’m a pauper I’m a prince, I am lost and I am won. I’m a lion, I’m a worm, I’m a sheep, I’m a sheep. So awake please awake and let me run to your seat. We’re all reaching for the same damn thing. Laying our lives down and pissing in sinks. Dancing in doorways and and staring out at the brink. 

But Jesus told me, I’m strong when I’m weak. Light is breaking in Lord Jesus come and save me from within. Oh light is breaking in And in the loss that is myself you claim a win.
3.
You lay there in the hours of long waiting A patient with all patience for me. That machine kept ticking and ticking and I remember drumming along to it Trying to find a pulse in the chaos A rhythm to make sense of it all. The chair beckoned me each night you were there Longing that I might sleep in it Maybe have the courage to dream in it. But courage failed me and my heart shook For every drop of morphine some life it took We exchanged knowing thoughts and loving looks Our best sentences redundant and cold in the light of each other. I would hold you for a second shorter than I could Worrying that my arms might stop there and stick And never release you to your heavenward trip. Did you know and feel me there? My God I was present. Flinching, dying, shaking and crying but I was there. I'm sure I was there. You were beautiful the night you left your body for life Like an old king before subjects, Laid out grand and pure. I could have expected a fanfare in that room, As I look past your wires and out to the moon. Horns would be blowing! Flags would be waving! The failures of medicine leading you to salvation. Where the wind would be blowing against your face as your waving To the people who paved the path that you're pacing And a beautiful girl is standing and waiting By a King of all kings who is already bracing For the weight of your body thrown into His arms, He wraps His around you, Your head by His heart. O won't it be fun?! Won't it be grand?! When your final breath comes and I loosen my hand. But here in this sterile room I stand And look at the man who made me a man. Your final breath came with no pain of disdain. Comfortably numb. Shining on. Like a diamond cast into the sea.

credits

released March 27, 2018

Recorded by Dan Lucas @ Anchor Baby Recording Company
Album photo by All Things Common

Dedicated to Janette Florence White

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about

Trev London, UK

Taking his name from his late father, 'Trev' is the musical exploits of U.K. musician George Trevor White.

In 2016, Trev released his debut album 'Monk Days'. Part stream of consciousness, part Christian worship album, part shared therapy session.

'Self, Other' (2018) explores themes of love, sin, marriage & death.

2021 introduces us to 'I have hope', his most confident and confessional yet.
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